Knowing Your Worth: How Values Guide Your Personal and Professional Life

Cristina Amigoni: This is one of the biggest value that matters to me and a value that I can provide to others. That’s when I said, like, the energy and also my actions have completely shifted in what I do with complete strangers.

Alex Cullimore: Welcome to Uncover the Human where every conversation revolves around enhancing all the connections in our lives.

Cristina Amigoni: Whether that's with our families, coworkers, or even ourselves.

Alex Cullimore: When we can be our authentic selves, magic happens.

Cristina Amigoni: This is Cristina Amigoni.

Alex Cullimore: This is Alex Cullimore. 

Both: Let's dive in.

"Authenticity means freedom."

"Authenticity means going with your gut."

"Authenticity is bringing 100% of yourself not just the parts you think people want to see, but all of you."

"Being authentic means that you have integrity to yourself."

"It's the way our intuition is whispering something deep-rooted and true."

"Authenticity is when you truly know yourself. You remember and connect to who you were before others told you who you should be."

"It's transparency, relatability. No frills. No makeup. Just being."

[EPISODE]

Alex Cullimore: Welcome back to another episode of Uncover the Human. It’s Cristina and I today and we wanted to – we have a new take on kind of values, which we talk about a lot but values and work, and kind of the relationship between the two. Cristina, you had a really good conversation with Nicole on this one, actually. You want to set it up, tee it up here?

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, it’s a little convoluted. So, a lot of this conversation is going to be to see if we can find some clarity around it. It’s a little bit – yeah and maybe a little bit of a jumping thing but what we were talking about was a couple of things. Like, one was that are tied, and that’s where it gets convoluted is how tied they are, we started with talking about how do we find our worth in work. 

How do we feel that we’re providing value, where does that come from? And the tying part of that as we discussed was coming out was how our worth, feeling our worth, first of all, it’s internal, not external but it’s also, in a way, connected to our core values. So, it’s a lot easier to – if we know our core values, and we are able to be in an environment and in a position where you know, they’re expressed, and they’re lived through what we’re doing, that can actually increase our sense of value. So, that’s where it gets a little bit convoluted but – 

Alex Cullimore: We’re talking about two types of value here.

Cristina Amigoni: I can’t disconnect the two. Like, I’ve tried disconnecting, just talking worth and the value I provide, the sense of value I provide, and I feel I provide but then, I always – I keep going back to like, “Well, but what are my values?” Well, it’s not about finding my values, or my value, my sense of worth in the work, so not expecting work to provide that but it’s the reverse. 

It’s like, “If I know what it is, is it expressed in the way in the environment I’m in? Is it expressed in the work I do? Can I live that?” And that’s where the living the values comes in because you know, if we take my core values, and my core values, you know, are human connections, trust, integrity. Like, if those are missing, then I’m not able to actually show up in a way that provides value to the work itself.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, so the central, I guess, the rest of this idea is that you gain worth by expressing your values and you can express your values through work, and so work could be a more worthwhile endeavor if it is a way in which we feel like we are expressing our values, and in doing so we tend to create values. So, chatting in a new slant on the word value but we feel like we’re creating value due to the fact that we are getting worth by expressing our values through work. 

Again, not because work is giving you worth but because you’re finding the worth in your expression of values and you’re actually expressing your core values.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, that’s the explanation. 

Alex Cullimore: That makes sense, it’s a good idea, especially in American culture, we’ve always talked about how, like one of the first questions people ask each other is like, “What do you do, what do you do?” And we both just tied our identities to their jobs and there’s a lot of people who have had a lot of hard time when they hit retirement because so much identity was wrapped up in work. 

They don’t know what they do without that employment, without that job, without whatever was feeling like worth or identity through work, and so this is carefully, we want to clarify. The argument here is not that work creates that worth, that is where people get it backwards and end up tied to an identity system that is external to them. This is talking about using work as a way to express what is already an internal identity and an internal self.

So, it takes a lot of that out. We recently talked about the psychological safety being an inside and outside job. This is another expression of that where you have to feel that internal values are being expressed, not finding values from external sources. 

Cristina Amigoni: See? That’s a much better explanation that I wanted to go, I was trying to get to but that’s the piece because – 

Alex Cullimore: Well, the shortest podcast ever.

Cristina Amigoni: And we’re done. The big piece is because of that identity, that being tied to the identity of what we do as work, we spend the vast majority of our hours in our adult life, so the vast majority of our waking hours and the vast majority of our conscious life, when we’re either not learning how to live or learning how to, you know, let go and rest at work, and so which is – it makes complete sense that our identity is tied to the environment. 

It’s tied to what we can provide at work and the worth that we feel others see in us in the work that we do and that’s where I would like to flip the coin because if we’re so tied to that, then the minute that goes away, we lose our identity, then we’re in an identity crisis, and then the question is, is our identity crisis because of the external factors or is there identity crisis because we’re not connected to what our sense of worth is? 

We’re not connected to, “These are my values, I get to express and live them through work, which gives me the confidence to know what my worth is.” And so, it really doesn’t matter what the environment does and what happens because if I take that and I can put it somewhere else, my identity stays intact. My identity is not dependent on what’s happening around me.

Alex Cullimore: That’s a really good way of expressing it, that is that continual expression of what is a more consistent internal self and being in touch with that, not that it is created through external means or that you know, in doing something, we are creating that value. If we do feel like we’re creating value by doing something, it’s worth digging in maybe a layer deeper or two layers deeper to figure out what was it about that felt like it was creating the value for us. 

That felt like it was inserting that, that feeling of being more fulfilled or creating that worth, and if we describe it, we stop ourselves short and say that was because of the situation, then we’re losing the opportunity to understand what will be a throughline that we can lean on when that external is no longer there.

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, it’s that, “What bout that situation allowed me to live my core values?” It’s that extra layer, and so alignment with core values, that becomes crucial, understanding what my core values are, and the ones that are truly mine not imposed by circumstances in life and society and the system that we are raised in. What are my true core values, what are the ones that I cannot live without? 

Which we’ve talked about many times in values conversation, you know, how do I recognize when I’m triggered, especially deeply triggered that’s usually you know, a core value that’s being challenged, and how does that get expressed in the work that I do?

Alex Cullimore: So, two questions for you and using yourself as an example, I’m curious what your experience has been in this. So, one, you mentioned like the idea of getting the core values, the core value is being the ones that are not externally provided. So, first of all, what helps you identify what is more externally, maybe pushed on you, versus what is core? You mentioned things like when feeling particularly challenged might be a core one. 

So that’s a piece of it. What else kind of helps you discern whether this is something that is your core value or an external value?

Cristina Amigoni: That’s a very good question, actually. What is an internal core value and what’s an external core, an externally driven core value? I’m going to say empathy and I’m going to use two sides of that coin for that. So, empathy is one of my top core values, as in, I am triggered when I see lack of empathy. I am triggered when I feel lack of empathy, and when I see it on others. 

You know, even if I'm not in the equation, I’m not the one lacking the empathy or I’m not the one on the receiving end of the lack of empathy when I see it, that is something that I deeply feel is there’s something off. I don’t want to be in that energy. That’s the type of energy and environment I don’t want to be in. So, I realized that empathy is very much of an important internal core value. 

The external piece is mostly from my former, I guess, my pre-reflected understanding of empathy, which was more tied to not being selfish, and so5 to putting others first no matter what, to putting either myself last or even not on the list. So, to continuously have to sacrifice for others because that’s how I find my worth, and so I’ve had to let that go because just like we talked about, you know, it’s the oxygen mask. 

I not only I deserve an oxygen mask too, but I actually have to put one on. Like, I can’t just be you know, scrambling to make sure that everybody else has an oxygen mask because that’s how I’m going to provide the value and find my worth if I’m there dying while everybody else is surviving, and so yes, you know, the empathy can help me provide oxygen masks for others, and I have to also turn it around and have the empathy for myself. 

Which is, empathy for myself is peace is where I’ve had to expand – well, not expand, transform my previous understanding of empathy, which was not about, “It’s all about everybody else, it doesn’t matter if I die through the process, as long as everybody else is taken care of.”

Alex Cullimore: Those are really good ways of describing that so I like that. The first thing you said is talking about how empathy you know is kind of core to you because whether you’re in the situation or not, you like to see it represented. You want to see that in other people so it’s something you’d notice, whether it’s even immediately impacting you. So, that’s a good way of like, “Hey, this is core, this is something that I would notice.” 

“If it wasn’t my personal experience, it’s still there.” And then the second one you mentioned, you had to let go of your kind of previous interpretation of empathy. So, another good indicator by being, you have a very personalized definition of whatever that value is. It’s not that that can’t share features with what might like a dictionary definition of that word be but it would have to really mean something to you, where you feel like you could explain that.

And it would be very, essentially, tailored and bespoke to you as a person, and that definition means exactly this to me, and we’ve talked about that with values before we talk about like, integrity and some people say that’s just honesty in general and you're like, sort of defined it as the, you know, walk and talk, doing what you say you will do, and then being consistent in actions and words.

So, once you’ve got into that maybe more specific definition, you’ve reached in and noticed something that is much more personal. So, that might be a good indicator that you’ve reached more of a core value and less of a societal-instructed value. If you can name it based on headlines, maybe it’s more societally based, and based on what you really feel that may be more core to you.

Cristina Amigoni: If you can provide examples of when you have felt it was present and when you have felt it was absent, then it becomes, and as you do that, as you reflect on that, really be in tune with your own energy and your own, you know, your own feelings and emotions and your own body reactions to that. That’s when you know, like, “Now, I have a more internal attachment to this value.” 

And it’s not just, “Oh, family is supposed to be one of my core values, okay?” It’s not that I don’t cherish family, it’s just not one of my core values. Just because I have kids that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my kids. It doesn’t mean that they’re not important in my life but I express that in other ways. I express that through human connections, through empathy. That’s how I express the value of being part of a family and having a family, not by the family itself being a core value, and that’s me. That’s my own core value world.

Alex Cullimore: It makes sense but I think there might be something kind of universal in that and not in the expression of it perhaps like everybody might have their own interpretation of it but there’s something maybe important to think about in core values and we’re talking about expressing values. It would be hard to assign a value that isn’t something that can’t be expressed. 

I mean, if it’s something you cannot live, that you cannot do like it’s not saying that people don’t value family but what is it that you actually value about that? I think people would probably find their own answers that are much closer to a core value. Maybe it’s a feeling of closeness, maybe it’s a feeling of support, maybe it’s that you want to see somebody grow, maybe it’s that you want to see, you want to feel like, you have a tribe. 

I don't know, whatever it might be, there’s something that is more core than just the concept of family. So, again, going back to that idea of this isn’t just a hallmark definition or a dictionary definition or just a shallow interpretation of a word. It’s really getting into, “What is it that we express when we say that as a value?” And I think that family is a great example because lots of people might say they value their family but how you value it is the value. 

That is whether it’s the connection, whether it’s the empathy, whether it’s the – or, whatever somebody else might have it as an interpretation of that because it – which isn’t to say, again, it’s not that you don’t value family, it’s just how you’re valuing it that’s giving you the real information.

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that’s a great explanation. So, I am going to turn the question on you if I can remember what the question was.

Alex Cullimore: Oh, about whether we can know whether it’s external or internal?

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, yes. What are – what is a core value or multiple core values where you – how were you able to recognize what was internal and what’s externally influenced? 

Alex Cullimore: I asked you that question because I currently don’t have a good answer for it. I was hoping for and I think you’ve provided some good answers to it. The reason that I’m curious about that currently is that there’s just a lot of defaulted behaviors that we all have that we just kind of get to. We just, whether, like you were saying, empathy to you meant that you were there to support everybody else. 

That was what that meant and that was like a default reaction if somebody said empathy, that’s what you would have thought of, that’s how you would have acted. I think that it requires a lot of challenging of those assumptions because I guess if you try and express a core value in a way that you think is core, you think it’s core value and that’s becoming frustrating, you might have missed the mark somewhere or maybe it was just something else that you’ve missed that is expressed. 

And I bring that up because I think the default patterns are sometimes just informed by bad habits we’ve fallen into, by just bad behaviors that we just kind of have or given to us by just experiences and that we’ve just fallen into. So, really, at this point, it’s more of an awareness of, “Does that really feel like it’s giving any of that sense of value when you’re expressing it?” Can you do the things we just mentioned? 

Can you define that, is that unique to you, and does it feel like it is fulfilling that? Because that might signal that you know, I say I value this but every time I end up making a choice based on what I think I value about this, I feel that farther away from that purpose, from that feeling, form that worth. So, maybe there’s that. That’s my current reflection, I don’t have more necessarily that I would add on. I liked your answers for how you fill that out.

Cristina Amigoni: That makes sense, it’s not an easy path, and you know, I’m not saying like I’ve gotten to the end of that path and I’m like, “Oh, I got my medal, I’m all set.” It is a muscle as we always talk about, living them, expressing them, recognizing when we are missing, recognizing if it’s the core value that’s missing or if it’s the interpretation that we are holding that’s clouding that. 

It’s all a continuous muscle that we need to practice and be aware of. So, here’s another question for you to dig deeper, at least a little bit. Like, are there are times when you felt you provided value? And we’re going to turn this into a coaching conversation, clearly.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, I was to say, this just became a therapy session, which I should get, there’s a couch back there, should I sit on that? Is that better for us?

Cristina Amigoni: You can go sit on the couch if you want, you know? There’s a few cats you can – they could keep you warm and provide a way to blanket the situation.

Alex Cullimore: The reason that this comes up for me, I’m going to go ahead and straight dodge that question.

Cristina Amigoni: At least you’re aware of that.

Alex Cullimore: The reason I’m – the reason I’m curious about this is that for a long time, and I’ve said it on this podcast more than once that curiosity is often that I would list as a core value. That the reason that I’m challenged with that now is that I have through other therapy work, kind of discovered some bad habits around curiosity and I’m not sure whether how much of it is, is expression of something that feels valuable. 

And how much of that is expression of just trying to fill, you know, gaps and not feeling good enough at some things. You end up getting curious trying to find out, find more information and it ends up being a way to tamp down gremlins more than express value, and so this is where it’s become a challenge for me. I’m trying to figure out what is – what’s really a core value and what’s a default behavior that got carried away? 

More than I had – I don’t have the right interpretation on to really be able to call that a core value. I think that you know, to answer a little bit more of the question I’m dodging here. I don’t know. 

Cristina Amigoni: Full-on dodge the question.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah. Yeah, I just went back to the previous question.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, you totally did, which is good because now you're answering that one.

Alex Cullimore: I’ll call myself out on it.

Cristina Amigoni: Maybe when I ask the next, you’ll answer the second one.

Alex Cullimore: I don't know, as far as like, when value is provided, I don't know that I have a good way of determining that or discerning that. I think that I assume there’s more external cues than there are and I don’t have a good internal set for feeling that value is provided. I’ve had a couple of instances in the last even just a couple of months where people are like, “Oh, I really appreciated that you know, you did this.” 

And it’s incredible to ask people to reach out, express like gratitude. It feels nice to receive that, I’m very grateful that they do that. Those aren’t necessarily moments where I’m like, “Oh yeah, I totally see that. I see why that was valuable.” There is moments. So, I think that maybe I’m internally a little bit detached from what feels like providing value. So, I’m currently not able to easily answer that question. I don't know what it would – well, how to know when you’re providing a value.

Cristina Amigoni: Oh, that makes sense. It is, you know, it is a journey. It is a path that it takes a lot of what could be seen as self-centeredness, almost. There’s negative, there can be a lot of negative connotations into having that confidence and expressing it because it’s that, “Oh, let me get on my pedestal and tell you how great I am.” So, there is that battle that could be, potentially be there to kind of let go of. 

And I had another question, so I was hoping you would answer this question by hearing the next one but I forgot the next one, so.

Alex Cullimore: No, all right, we’ve had this moment, you’ll have it in about 15 seconds if history is any indication.

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, exactly, just keep talking and it will come back. Oh yes, I know – 

Alex Cullimore: I think it’s a good point –

Cristina Amigoni: You just got to keep talking.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, go for it, there it is, less than 15 seconds.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, exactly. What are some times where you feel like you felt at peace doing something or experiencing something?

Alex Cullimore: So, this is the other thing that has made this challenging, and why I bring up these questions. So, I have not actually technically ever been diagnosed with ADD. However, a lot of the literature on it would suggest there is some significance similarities and the reason I bring that up is that the idea feeling at peace is somewhat at odds with the experience of having ADD. 

I mean, it is like, I’ve often joked about kind of like the chaos that I can feel internally inside my brain. I think that’s where – that’s why I like things like in working genius, I end up doing things like invention because there’s – it’s just chaos all the time. There’s a lot of ideas in there, there’s a lot of things going on. It’s not like it’s bad, it’s just there’s a lot happening, pieces not feeling I am wholly familiar with or even that that has always felt good, sometimes that busyness and that chaos is in its own way, kind of a peaceful feeling.

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, I was going to say it sounds like that’s your peace. I guess, peace may not be the right word. How about flow?

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, I’ve thought about that one too, I’ve had that. That’s one of the reasons that curiosity came back. So, I’ve often enjoyed learning things, I don’t think that’s a – it’s hard to express that as a core value. It doesn’t – some of these feel then, and this is why it’s hard to answer that other question about when have I provided value because when I say I think about providing value, I think about what other people are getting out of that.

Why that’s providing it value and I don’t – it makes me like learning, I guess, in an extended way may eventually help some people but I have not found a way to express that in a way that it feels like it’s providing value. It’s something that can keep interesting, can be of interest, can be a pleasant distraction. It doesn’t feel like a value, I don’t have a good tie-in for why that feels like – why that would feel like a value. 

Cristina Amigoni: Well, I find it interesting that you switched from curiosity to learning because I don’t necessarily define curiosity as just learning, and also I find that interesting that –

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, I guess that’s somewhat my personal interpretation of it.

Cristina Amigoni: You talk about learning as something you only benefit from and not others because I could see a lot of benefit from you learning that helps others. 

Alex Cullimore: Do tell. 

Cristina Amigoni: So, my non-certified and approved interpretation of it is and I will go back to curiosity more than learning but learning is part of that is when you show up with curiosity, you allow for the space for people to feel like they exist because you’re curious about them, they’re not invisible. 

They’re not, you know, just one more person, like they’re showing up with wanting to learn about somebody else, wanting to learn about what they do, or wanting to learn how to relate to them provides the other people, the other person existence like I am now – I now have a witness to being in this room as oppose to being in the room and hoping somebody notices it. 

Alex Cullimore: So, curiosity, essentially as we define it sometimes in things like our leadership classes, curiosity is the other end of the spectrum from judgment. So, you’ve got going from yeah, the tenth class or whatnot, be curious, not judgmental. It makes sense, I think that’s a good interpretation of curiosity. I guess that sometimes not what I have felt when I have internally defined curiosity. 

I do tie it a lot more to the learning and to the discovering and I think that has, yeah, I guess it has too, easy enough to apply in like a coaching sense of kind of that giving that space allows people to discovery, allows people the like I may stay curious about what I’m learning about them, and that in turn gives them an edge on what they’re doing, what they’re developing. So, I can see that. Yeah, maybe I may need to reframe a little bit of the curiosity value. 

Cristina Amigoni: And it may not be the right word or the right interpretation or the right definition. I’m just saying that when you show up in your – in a learning way, it provides that environment, that place for people to exist. 

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, and I can see that being a value add for people. That’s a good one. I’m curious, so yeah. So – 

Cristina Amigoni: You don’t sound convinced at all, which is very interesting to me. 

Alex Cullimore: Well, I have other internal things but before diving in on that to make this a full therapy session, I’d love to hear your example. If you think about it, you bring up human connection as a value, right? That’s what it comes up a lot, that’s when you feel like you’re providing that value, how does that tie in from a value? And you don’t have to use human connection. If another one is easier, that’s the one that I immediately think of. 

And I am curious what does that chain that connects you to feeling this is a core value, this is where I feel it gets – it provides both worth for me and for others, what does that look like? What does that trail look like? 

Cristina Amigoni: It’s a good question. I would say is if I look at the fact that we – I have no idea what other people feel. I have no idea what they’re going to think, I have no idea, you know, that it’s beyond me. That’s the half that I can’t control, I can’t control other people’s thoughts, feelings, interpretations. So, hence, why if I attach to attach if I focus on one of my core values as human connections. 

When I am living those, when I am able to express who I am through those, then I’m closer to being able to provide value because I am not hiding, I’m not masking up as much. I am not putting up an armor, I’m trying to figure out how to show up. It gives me that freedom to be able to do that. The way that I see it in reverse is, well, because for some, not all situations but when that, what I think about the fact that as humans, we need connections. 

We’re wired for connections, it’s just the way it is, and so being able to do what I do to establish those connections, to establish that trust, to establish that community sense, and then having people on the receiving end, again, not all the time but having the people on receiving end wanting more of that, wanting you know, really cherishing that because they appreciate it. So, hearing the appreciation. 

But also seeing the appreciation by seeing how they show up when that connection and trust is established and also knowing that you know, being requested for more, that’s when I make the connection. It’s like if that didn’t help them if it didn’t provide value that I somehow show up in a way where I pour my energy in establishing, trusting human connections, then people wouldn’t want more of it. 

Alex Cullimore: That’s fair. Yeah, that’s a good way of describing it, that’s a good tie-in. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah. 

Alex Cullimore: It makes sense, and getting even more discreet just so for listeners' sake, you talked about how you can then express that in multiple places. You feel like there are times you know, just to show that this can be very much situation agnostic, times in different situations, you know, like where you felt like that came forward. 

Cristina Amigoni: Oh yes. 

Alex Cullimore: And maybe we can use work examples if you want, you use work examples since that would be an easy tie-in just to see that, what those look like. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, and then with the caveat that just because I want the connection, that doesn’t mean the connection is also desired on the other side, you know? Or, and actually, no more than or is there’s an evolution to that as well. So, there’s unfortunately or fortunately either way, but unfortunately, you know sometimes, the evolution is a connection is desired and then it’s no longer desired. 

And so, that’s when I go into I guess therapy for you know, just to explain things but that’s when I have to go back to understanding that it’s not – that’s not it. That’s not a challenging of the core value that I have. That doesn’t mean I have the wrong core value, that just means that the situation has changed beyond my control but my core value stays the same, and now I can’t remember what the question was. 

Oh, situations, so I would say yeah, the various types of situations are from friendship to work to you know, other pieces even as little as I just experienced this recently, where traveling, traveling alone a couple of times in the last month decided to show up a little bit differently outside of my comfort zone, even in cab drive rides, and so taking a cab to the airport or in other situations where I start a conversation. 

I start a human connection with the cab driver, you know? With something as simple as like, “Oh, how long have you lived in New York?” or you know, something like that but I found that it then completely changes the energy and I guess that’s a piece that I didn’t answer earlier is like, I can feel the energy shift when my core values are expressed and therefore helps me feel that I provided value in a situation. 

That energy shift of, oh now, our 40-minute drive to LaGuardia from downtown New York, it’s a full-on conversation about you know, travels and where somebody is from and their family, and now it becomes, the way I’ve seen it is like, “Oh, wow, like I feel like I didn’t just waste 30 minutes sitting in a car.” And I think of the possibility that the cab driver is like, “Oh, maybe for one ride today.” he didn’t feel like a complete faceless because of that energy exchange that happens. 

And I think that energy exchange is the recognition of this was a good moment like you know, maybe we can both feel like this was a good moment today. 

Alex Cullimore: That’s a good example, that’s a good example of carrying out into all kinds of situations including random day-to-day situations of being in a cab, and so it’s almost self-defining and that you’re finding the value by having felt the value, not by having created, not by basically not by even seeking it out but by noticing it. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, and also because I know that one of the things that I want, and my biggest gremlin is invisibility, is feeling like I am invisible, and so if I can provide a space where somebody else may not feel invisible, whether I know if that helps them or not, that’s the value I can provide. What happens to that value after that, I can provide that, whether that’s worth it on the other end or not. 

That’s not up to me, I can’t control that but I can provide the value of somebody else maybe not feeling invisible for five minutes. You know, I’ve experienced that on planes as well as I’ve traveled on planes and I am sitting next to somebody I don’t know. It was actually pretty funny because I used to never really speak to somebody when I am sitting next to somebody I don’t know and on my way to New York a few weeks ago, I said down. 

And I don’t know what it was about because I had my headphones on. I was you know, like I – you know, it’s not like I didn’t have the intention to open up a conversation but I didn’t think I was giving away that energy given that I had my headphones in and I was listening to something, and this guy sits down and we ended up talking for like 45 minutes straight. I know about his family, how many kids, where he was going, where he just traveled, and it was a great conversation. 

But that’s when I realized like, “Wow, like I didn’t actively look for that.” But the energy of that shifted something that now, we’re both, you know, feeling a little bit less lonely on this with a bunch of strangers on the rest of the plane, and given as humans, we’re wired for connections. We’re wired to find that safety somewhere, that’s where I see, “Oh, there’s a possibility of a value provided.” 

Alex Cullimore: Those are good examples, I appreciate the deep dive. 

Cristina Amigoni: Well, thanks for the question. 

Alex Cullimore: No, no, I don’t mean like a deep dive, like it’s like overly. It’s just a good detail to balances of like how that feels, what that feels like to express. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, yeah. Well, that’s that and that’s where I realized the shift. It’s like once I’ve been able to really hone into like, “This is the value, this is one of the biggest value that matters to me, and a value that I can provide to others.” That’s when I said like the energy and also my actions have completely shifted in what I do with complete strangers, even with complete strangers and others. 

But especially with complete strangers, whether it’s the person at the register or the person next to me on a plane or the cab driver, it’s like, “Wait, I can establish a human connection even if it’s a two-second thing here.” And then, I guess it’s like yeah, that was a good moment, maybe not for them but it was a good one for me. 

Alex Cullimore: Those are good explanations for continuing to develop and evolve your own core values. This has been a core value for you for a long time but you’re talking about even in these last couple of months, finding new ways to express that in these solo travels you’ve gotten to do. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, yes, and I have to say like what’s shifted for me is having gone through in therapy intensives and having resolved a lot of past demons through that because I have noticed almost immediately how the way I interpret the world around me is different and therefore, I can show up differently to it.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, yeah, that also gets at the other question I have, which was you know, getting into whether it’s externally or internally motivated, and so letting go of that, some of those core external motivations that have been with us so long they feel internal. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. 

Alex Cullimore: Helpful too. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, I benefited from being invisible, that’s something I had to do for survival, and you know, the more clear I’ve become about not wanting to be invisible, I’ve also realized like, “Oh, if I let go of those old influencers and old necessities, I can see this as I can show up differently, see what happens.” 

Alex Cullimore: All great examples of evolving that and a great example of what we’re talking about here, which is the idea that we find the value and we find the worth through expression of values, not through some external set of circumstances that is creating that value is the feeling that it is providing. It is the feeling that is we are expressing in that. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, yeah, so that’s my soapbox. 

Alex Cullimore: Nice, I like it. I think it gives people a good foothold on finding some values and finding how that – what it looks like to express that and maybe searching for worth in a look at this, like it might be something common I think anyway for people to jump at this kind of the wrong way, to look for things that are providing value. Whereas, when we really feel like we’re expressing value is when we find the worth. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, yeah. Yeah, because if I even look at the human connections piece, if I look at the other side of things, the moment I feel like I don’t have the worth is when the human connection that used to be there is gone or decreases, which is where I then tied it to is like, “Wait, I now am battling with having to remember what my worth is,” because one of my core values is now being severely challenged. 

Alex Cullimore: You mentioned earlier, you talked about like it can feel maybe almost self-centered to doing some of this work, something like that. How do you approach and address that allows you to feel like, “This is me,” and I know you mentioned a little bit like you know, you could see sometimes the energy shift but obviously, it’s not always a shift and you know there is times where there’s connections. 

And there’s times where those connections either change or aren’t available there in the beginning. How do you see it holding onto that for knowing that that is a core value for you, even if it’s coming from yourself, and you can feel “self-centered?” What helps you hold onto that?

Cristina Amigoni: It’s a good question. A couple of things come to mind. I mean, I can’t speak highly enough of therapy intensives and doing the, you know, the separate work with EMDR and really, really resolving the demons from the past that take a hold of that in uncovering all that darkness and letting it go but I think it reminds me of a Brené Brown quote. Brené Brown talks about how and there’s clips on everywhere about this. 

Where she says, “If we go around if we go out in the world looking for places and situations where we don’t belong, we will find them. If we go around looking for places and situations where we don’t provide value, we will find them.” And that’s where remembering that, that’s where in those moments the demons come out and they’re stronger than the old narrative comes back into, you know, you are invisible. 

You’re not worth it, you’re not providing value. That’s when I try to flip that script and think about like, “Okay, I’m looking for that.” So, what am I missing? By actually focusing on what I’m looking for because I will find it all over the place. So, then it’s really flipping the script on, “Okay, now let’s find the opposite then.” How can I find the opposite? How can I find times when I wasn’t invisible? 

And then, having experiences like I just had, I’m about to turn 50, and I’ve done it, you know, I’ve organized a celebration where it was a four-day weekend with some very close friends of mine all together in the mountains, and I was so surprised by how much they celebrated me, and then having to battle with that internal selfishness because I never thought I deserved that type of celebration. 

But being told by five women for four days, “Yes, you deserve it,” that helped. Having these five women, just it was five women write out and I still have it because they gave me the printout, like write out the 50 things that you love about me, that’s when I was like, “Oh, wait, maybe I should pay attention to this,” because now the world is showing me evidence that I do provide value and now, what if I look for that? 

You know, if these five women, which I highly respect and I think are phenomenal women think this way about me, maybe when I look for the times when I don’t provide value when I am invisible, I’m masking everything else. I am like Brené Brown, like yes, if I look for that, I will find it all over the place all day long but what if I look for the opposite? What if I look for the opposite of times where I do provide value, places where I do belong, and then, what is that connection? How did I show up in those places that’s tied to my core values to feel that I belong? 

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, that’s a good idea of holding onto it and a good reminder that what your story, what we’re telling is also being reinforced in the world. We go looking for evidence but we’re already looking for evidence based on a see this classic, like what does the detectives or scientists if you already have the answer in mind it’s going to be really hard to find information that does not corroborate that. 

Cristina Amigoni: It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We can make it work, we’re that good at our own internal interpretations and intelligence. 

Alex Cullimore: Human beings will rationalize just about anything, so you might as well rationalize something that’s good. 

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly. You know, it’s not one or the other. That’s the other thing to let go of, it’s not – it doesn’t mean I belong in all places. It doesn’t mean that I am going to find human connections in all places. It doesn’t mean that human connections that I want won’t end and I have no control over them but maybe it’s not extreme. Maybe it doesn’t mean that because those have ended, those have changed, that doesn’t mean that then I can’t find and I don’t have any other ones and I can’t find new ones. 

That maybe is just the cycle of life and it’s about providing space for something that now needs something else, some other type of space. 

Alex Cullimore: That’s a good way, a better nuance to think of like this is no hit is a forever hit and in either direction, nothing last forever no matter what, and that doesn’t mean that doesn’t – that is not a core value. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t provide worth, it doesn’t mean it didn’t provide worth then. It doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. 

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, exactly, yeah. 

Alex Cullimore: It does on value, so a new kit, new tools for finding and expressing value.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, like really hone into your core values and I will say look for ways that they’re expressed, how do you express them? Another thing that’s helped me a ton is I am now on and I should probably write a post or do something about it because it is Thanksgiving week but I am now on five, well, since 2019, so five and a half years of daily gratitude journaling. 

So, for five and a half years, I have written every single day three things I’m grateful for, and there is a lot of repetitions day by day but that has really helped me look at flipping the script because you know if I pull the data from my phone apps and actually, you know, process this to see what I mostly write about and mostly expect strategies to about, I would say that 90% of the times, the words human connections or connection with this person or connection in this setting is going to come up.

Which has also helped me hone in like, “Oh, maybe that’s a core value of mine, and maybe I seek situations where that is expressed and lived,” and I have to move on from situations where that starts fading away and missing.

Alex Cullimore: That would be a really fun ChatGPT exercise to go digest all the notes I have written out.

Cristina Amigoni: Yeah, I’m actually going to have to go do it now because I’m curious.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, that’s a good one.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes.

Alex Cullimore: AI for values.

Cristina Amigoni: AI for values, exactly, and I can download. I use two separate apps but I can download the data from both apps to see what I’ve written down.

Alex Cullimore: Yeah, that’s some nice ChatGPT processing on that.

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly.

Alex Cullimore: That’s great. That’s a good exercise.

Cristina Amigoni: I highly recommend it. I think I’ve just started following Arthur Brooks, I want to say his name is, I will have to like, check it but he actually talks about – he has studied and he talks about happiness and what provides happiness in life, and he – you know, one of the top things that he talks about is gratitude. If we actually consciously express gratitude and look for what we’re grateful for every single day, we will shift how we look at the world and we will shift how we feel ourselves.

And sometimes, I’ve had days when you know, all I can get is, “It’s sunny.” I’m grateful for a sunny day, and that’s okay. Not every day is a top, you know, list of gratitude. Sometimes, there are shitty days and so – but having to shift from today, “You know, today was a shitty day or yesterday was a shitty day,” to, “But there’s something, there’s got to be three things that I can be grateful for.” 

And sometimes, it is as simple as sunny days, went for a walk, meditating. Having a gratitude journal that has made it on the list as well. It’s just like, just even this exercise, I can be grateful for.

Alex Cullimore: It’s a good way to turn your brain into looking for gratitude.

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly. Those are my tips, good luck.

Alex Cullimore: So, tune in to yourself.

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly, exactly, shift the script. It’s your internal script anyway, nobody’s imposing it on you.

Alex Cullimore: Don’t be valued and be valuable.

Cristina Amigoni: Yup. Any other questions?

Alex Cullimore: Thanks everybody for listening. I don’t think there’s questions.

Cristina Amigoni: Any other thoughts?

Alex Cullimore: Can we give them a good foothold?

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, thanks everybody for listening. 

[OUTRO]

Alex Cullimore: Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Uncover the Human. Special thanks to Rachel Sherwood, who helped produce our theme, and of course, our production assistants, Carlee, and Niki for whom we could not do this or could not publish this. We get to do basically the fun parts, and thank you to We Edit Podcasts for editing our podcasts.

Cristina Amigoni: You can find us at Podcast@WeAreSiamo.com. You can find us on LinkedIn, you can find us at Uncover the Human on social media. So, follow us and we are Siamo is W-E A-R-E S-I-A-M-O.com.

Alex Cullimore: Please feel free to reach out with questions, topics you’d like addressed. If you’d like to be on the show, reach out, we’re around. Thank you, everybody, for listening.

[END]