Mastering the Art of Giving and Receiving Constructive Feedback

Cristina Amigoni: One of my favorite quotes which sparked part of wanting to talk about this is, ‘Don’t take criticism from somebody that wouldn’t go to advice for.

Alex Cullimore: Welcome to Uncover the Human where every conversation revolves around enhancing all the connections in our lives.

Cristina Amigoni: Whether that's with our families, coworkers, or even ourselves.

Alex Cullimore: When we can be our authentic selves, magic happens.

Cristina Amigoni: This is Cristina Amigoni.

Alex Cullimore: This is Alex Cullimore. Let's dive in.

“Authenticity means freedom.”

“Authenticity means going with your gut.”

“Authenticity is bringing 100% of yourself not just the parts you think people want to see, but all of you.”

“Being authentic means that you have integrity to yourself.”

“It's the way our intuition is whispering something deep-rooted and true.”

“Authenticity is when you truly know yourself. You remember and connect to who you were before others told you who you should be.”

“It's transparency, relatability. No frills. No makeup. Just being.”

[EPISODE]

Alex Cullimore: Hello and welcome back to this episode of Uncover the Human. It’s just Cristina and I today. We are back with an episode that feels like it’s just kind of timeless. Something that’s ever important in life and that is the idea of feedback. Giving feedback, getting feedback, and in general importance.

So, Cristina, you kind of thought of this is a good topic to go blast out on the airwaves. What inspired you to put this one down?

Cristina Amigoni: As you said, this is pretty timeless. We're always in a way receiving feedback in one way or another. Sometimes it feels more like criticism and it's not constructive. So, I was kind of thinking back, like, I don't think that we actually talked about feedback and what it's like to give meaningful feedback, why it's necessary to give and receive feedback. But also, why it's also even more necessary to know how to do it and do it in a way that's helpful and not destructive to the person.

Alex Cullimore: Yes. That's a good way of putting it and I think there's a lot to unpack between what is meaningful feedback and what's non-meaningful feedback. Because we are getting feedback at all times. You can just open any social media app and read through the comment section if you'd like to see what feedback looks like usually delivered in less productive ways.

There's plenty of ways to put opinions out there. So, if you're thinking about the difference between something that's meaningful and something that's maybe less meaningful, what are the first things that come up for you?

Cristina Amigoni: Well, I would say meaningful feedback. First of all, it's timely. I know we talk about this when we talk about how to give and receive feedback and how to make it useful instead of destructive. I think the timing is definitely needed. It's much harder to receive feedback weeks or months or days after the fact. I'm like, “Oh, remember six months ago, you did this? Well, that was a failure.” That's not helping anyone besides maybe – and not even. I was going to say maybe helping the person that's verbalizing something that apparently, they carried with them for days, weeks, or months. I'm sure that ended up well for their own lives and everybody dealing with them.

So, it's not helpful for anyone, the person carrying the feedback and not actually verbalizing and the person hearing it because as much as we would like to, we don't have a time machine. So, going back in time and doing things differently, or apologizing, or trying again, it's not possible. The other piece is because it's so far in time, sometimes that you can't even understand the tangible part of it. What does this actually apply to? Which part of the presentation? Which part of the work product? Which part of the meeting? How did I actually show up that was not valuable? We don't have that memory. Most of the times, we're not going to have that memory to figure out. Let's pinpoint what we're talking about as opposed to the generalization of, well, that was not useful.

Alex Cullimore: I think that's an important one. It doubles down. If you don't address that soon or don't address that in a timely manner, it can develop into a habit, which can both be harder to change for the person that you're asking to change if they actually do want to change it and also can build resentment if you feel like you felt they need to give the feedback on the first instance of this behavior and now you're 10 instances down and you feel like it's just – you've started to build a story in your head that this is an intractable part of their personality. They have no idea it's happening. Then that comes to blows in unhelpful ways. Then we don't have the ability to immediately address and change that. Like you said, we don't have a time machine. We can't undo all of the built-up, both habit and resentments that might be present on either side of that equation. As well, we just surprised the person and now they're like, “Well, shoot. So, for six months, you've been thinking that I was doing this? Damn. I didn't know that was happening.”

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, exactly. There's not much people can do. They can do something at that moment, but it takes a lot more effort. Now, the energy that it takes to undo the assumptions that were created when there wasn't even an opportunity to even know that there were assumptions there, it's a lot more effort and the impact is much, much greater.

Alex Cullimore: When we talk about this, we have the acronyms get and give in our classes that we were talking about. Giving feedback and getting feedback. Let's talk first about that giving ones because we’re on that one. We have that split out into an acronym for GIVE and that is growth-oriented. So, making sure your feedback is an opportunity for growth, making sure it's framed in a way that it can be supportive for the recipient, and the whole point is to help change behavior because this will create a better outcome in the future. So, you are looking for that growth.

Second one is I, for I statements. Using things like “I notice” or “I feel” in your feedback so that it doesn't feel like a universal assault and it also just comes from a point of opinion and self. So, you've done enough work when you're giving feedback to know what your feelings on this are and what you're noticing what your observations are. It helps it just come from rather than a place of universality, everybody knows that you do this. It's more I notice this is happening in a meeting and it doesn't – can maybe lower the amount of shame that can be created or defensiveness that might come up.

Then there's the V, which is venue. So, thinking about the time and place. This one is the time we’re talking about. Like getting close enough to the incident or behavior so that it’s understandable, as well as it doesn’t build into anything else, and understanding the place. Maybe calling somebody out in public is not the same thing to do. Unless you have a team that’s very trusting and everybody knows this is feedback given in actual support of growth, in which case, that might be something that can be addressed in a meeting and it's probably not even going to feel like feedback and not going to need a full structured give conversation to get yourself into that mindset. It's just common at that point.

But if it's not common, like it isn't for most relationships, and especially while relationships are building, and especially in organizations where safety is still being built, which is most organizations at some level, then it's important to find that neutral location and not be calling people out and making sure you're doing this in a safe place and safe venue.

The final part of the acronym is E for focusing on the event and not the person. Focusing on the behavior that they did and not attacking them as a person. This isn't a characteristic that they have so much as a behavior they exhibited at least one time and perhaps can be changed, not because they are a bad person and did a bad thing. They just happened to make a mistake or something that was unproductive in the moment.

Cristina Amigoni: All very necessary thing. Apparently, I'm allergic to feedback because I have to keep sneezing. Or at least I'm allergic to bad feedback. I'm allergic to criticism. That's probably what I'm allergic to.

Alex Cullimore: That's a good way, a good distinction, too. There's criticism and there's feedback. I think that that's worth diving into. Because first of all, this is a good set of things to keep in mind that's this give idea is a good set of things to keep in mind for giving actual feedback, for having constructive criticism they call it. I think it's a hard term to sell just because it still has the word criticism in it, but just it is more constructive. Constructive feedback, something that is, I think somebody had called it in some paper somewhere, feed-forward because it's about moving forward, not back.

That I think is important. So, the second portion that I think that for me translates immediately to criticism is when it's somebody whose opinion – I mean, this is going to sound bad, whose opinion shouldn't or doesn't matter. It's somebody who's opinion, they're throwing it out there and they don't have the authority. I don't mean like hierarchical organizational authority. They don't have the actual knowledge or know-how to make the assessment that they are lobbying at you. I think that's the other thing for me that comes up when you think about who you're going to actually take criticism from and doing that mental evaluation of is this somebody who is an expert in this field or whose opinion I should or would trust if it weren't currently triggering me.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. That's a great distinction. One of my favorite quotes, which sparked part of wanting to talk about this is, “Don't take criticism from somebody that you wouldn't go to advice for.” What really that means is, it's also something that Brené Brown talks about. The Theodore Roosevelt quote, “It's not the credit who counts. It's the person in the arena getting their face smashed to the ground and doing the work and being out there.Not the people on the sidelines, just throwing the rotten tomatoes and criticizing.”

But I think that's the piece. A feedback becomes a criticism when it really is about either a mood or prejudgment or assumptions that were not clear or just general, just, I have to provide something because I was asked for feedback. So, here it is. It's not constructive. It doesn't help anybody. It's definitely not feed-forward because there's nothing tangible that you can do unless you go back in time, find the time machine, remove yourself from that situation. Maybe you're not on the receiving end of the criticism. But it's also, it doesn't take into account everything. So, the ecosystem, the context, the people in the room, the objectives of what was actually done, the goals. Getting a criticism that says something like, “Oh, you didn't hit the mark.” Well, if the mark is the one that we established before this, yes, I did hit the mark and these are the reasons why. So, what does it mean you didn't hit the mark?

Alex Cullimore: That's a great, great clarification. That's the one that I want to add into our I. When we think about I statements, like I notice, I feel the difference in the impact between somebody saying, “You didn't hit the mark,” versus, “I feel you didn't hit the mark.”

If I feel you didn't hit the mark, now we have a conversation. Now, we have – okay, so what didn't feel like it hit the mark about? Where are we going? You didn't hit the mark is just, “Hey, you messed up.” To quote one of my favorite quotes, “You're bad, you should feel bad.”

Cristina Amigoni: It's just is.

Alex Cullimore: It leaves you in a pit and there's no coming out of it. It doesn't leave you any room for explanation. It's just making sure you're there. So, that curiosity mindset, I think, is incredibly important. You might have feedback. You might feel like they need to hear this because you've evaluated their performance to need improvements. But staying curious about what is happening and what can be improved about that is a part of both the I statements and being growth-oriented. If you get too much into the judgmental statements or too much into the, this is the unhelpful, unproductive states, then it's easy to fall into that criticism. And you're not only not going to get what you want out of the feedback that you're giving, you're creating a bit of a dent in the relationship, which I think is something that people inherently know when they avoid feedback. They're worried about hurting the relationship. The point of tools like these is to remember the importance of giving it and try and put it in the best-structured way possible to illuminate that this isn't about the person. If it is about the person or if it is about the relationship, I guess that's going to take a hit on the relationship anyway.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, indeed. I think the other distinction between feedback or feed forward and criticism is that sometimes or most times maybe criticism is not done to your face.

So, you're not actually in the room. It's really gossip. Because when somebody's talking about you and you're not in the room, that's not feedback. That's just criticism and gossip. Because part of the feedback, which is why we have give and get is that this is a conversation. Feedback is useful when it's a conversation, which means the person giving the feedback and the person receiving the feedback are both parties in what needs to be done and what needs to be discussed.

But if the person that receives the information is not in the room to even ask for clarifying questions, to ask for examples, to ask how things could have been done better, to ask what's the mark. If I didn't hit it, let's establish what the mark is. To work together and co-create a better way that things could have been or can be the next time. Whether it's something that is repeatable, then there is a next time. Even if it's not repeatable, if we look at feedback as a chance for providing an opportunity for somebody to grow, then it really doesn't matter that they don't grow in front of us. It's just this is helpful for you in life, maybe, or for you in your job.

Which is what we do with our kids, I think as parents quite a bit. It's like when we see them do something, it's like, “Hey, it's not okay to blank.” It may not be targeted to a specific event in the future that may or may not happen, it's more about here's a piece of growth potential that you may not be aware of. If I ask you, if you brushed your teeth and then you tell me yes, but it's clearly that you didn't, I feel like now I have to check on you. How much does that translate into other situations with your teachers or with somebody else? This is a moment where I can provide the feedback because it's about you and I'm provided to you.

If I go and tell my kid, “Hey, I can't believe that Alex doesn't brush his teeth in the morning.” It's not helping anyone.

Alex Cullimore: I'm going to continue to not brush my teeth because I have no idea. 

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly. I'm sure Alex brushes his teeth in the morning.

Alex Cullimore: I do. I'm glad we've cleared this out for all listeners. That is a really important point though. But tying that to the context of why it's important to give this feedback. Not only do you have your internal mindset that this is growth-oriented, but you have a chance to establish some of those connected dots for other people too. Of course, just like authenticity and just like being curious, and just like coaching, you do have to do this in a genuine way because people are going to have their sensors out to hear this as non-genuine. You can try and couch this and be catty about this. But if you point of people like, I just really think it would help you in other portions of your life, as long as you can come across as genuine in that, that is helpful.

If you say it, like I just said it, that's going to come across as a little bit talking down. But if you'd say, like, “Hey, look, it's important that you do things like brush your teeth. This is how you present in the world.” Or, “Hey, if I have to check in on this, it doesn't allow me to have trust in you. And not having trust is going to make much harder for you to have relationships.” It's easy enough to teach those lessons to kids. Well, it's not so easy, but we at least understand the consequences of it and doing that with peers can be feel much more difficult in the workplace when we're like, “Yes, I don't know if I have that relationship.” We don't always feel like we have the authority to do so. Sometimes we get too invested in there being like, “Well, that should be their manager giving them that or something.” Some unnecessary hierarchy where we could just be delivering something that helps somebody and we could give them the context of why we think this would be helpful for them. And that also gives them the chance to evaluate it and decide whether that's something they actually want to take to heart.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes.

Alex Cullimore: Maybe we missed the context. Maybe we were wrong. Maybe they did that. It seemed out of character, but they did that for a set purpose that they knew. They understood what was important about exuding X behavior that they wouldn't do otherwise or they don't feel otherwise. They just knew it was important in that moment. Somebody's fighting more than they seem like they would.

Okay. Well, maybe they know why they're doing that. Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe it's just something that comes up. But that gives them the chance to respond to it and actually decide whether that's something they want to take on board and take into account when they make future decisions.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, exactly. I think it's interesting because when you can tell, like you said, like you can pretend to care, but it doesn't go very far. But if you do care about somebody's growth, we're all human, which also means we're all perfect and imperfect at the same time. We're not going to get everything perfect. That's not possible. All of us know that deep down. While we do try to find perfection, it does hurt when we're told we're not perfect. We also know that that's the truth because we always have room to growth.

So, one of the biggest pieces, I think, that's helped when you get to that relationship piece of like, this is about me and my growth, is when you ask for feedback and almost immediately, or as part of that conversation, the question is turned around, which is about, it becomes more about like, “Hey, how do you think that went?” You now have the chance to actually show the humanity and be honest about your own performance and say like, “Hey, like I thought that the beginning went really well. There seems to be quite a bit of energy in there. And then it kind of, went off the rails halfway through and not sure why. I have some theories.”

But it shows that we are all humble and also can be very self-reflective and we're not expecting to just be told, “Oh, you were perfect.” Couldn't have been better than that. We know we're not perfect. We know when we don't show up perfectly. We can read the energy. We can read the room. We can read the situation and know when things are great and when things are not so great. So, diffusing the situation by asking what the person receiving the feedback thinks first about themselves, then opens the door for the giver to then confirm or say like, “Oh, yes, I've noticed this and maybe it could have been this situation.” But it becomes a completely different conversation than I'm going to talk about you badly to somebody else.

Alex Cullimore: Yes. That not only can hyperaccelerate your own growth in accepting that humility. It also accelerates the growth of that relationship. That person now knows you're willing to kind of go to them for advice or trust. You trust their opinion on this. That'll build the relationship and it's a lot easier for them to give the feedback if you've solicited it. These are definitely good relationship builders and the ability to both build the trust on both sides. And you will grow faster as a person because we're not going to be perfect, but we can grow.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes, exactly. That's not to say that something like what happens in 360s where somebody else is giving feedback about a person and not to them directly needs to be eliminated. There's value in that too, but part of a good 360 is also when the receiver can go back and ask for clarification. So, the receiver can actually find enough useful information to then go back and want to have a conversation about it and understand, “Oh, okay, understand where this is coming from. I can understand the context.” The ecosystem was taken into account. There are some suggestions that are very clear on what I can do better next time or how it can show up differently next time. So, there is value in that because it is hard to give direct feedback.

You want to create the space in a 360 type of environment where I am evaluating somebody while they're not specifically there, with still the give in mind of this needs to be useful. This can't just be about criticizing who somebody is.

Alex Cullimore: Yes. We do have all just kinds of antenna for listening for whether that does feel genuine or not. That doesn't mean that even when it is genuine, it doesn't like take us back. We might still get defensive. We might still feel like – it's still sometimes hard to take that feedback. Even when it is delivered in the kindest way possible and trying to give all the growth orientation, trying to do all of these things well, it could still be just hard to hear feedback. It is hard to accept that, A, we messed up, especially because we don't have time machines, we can't fix it, and we do want to do better. And it can be just difficult, and we can't mitigate those things, but it will definitely go off the rails if we can detect something that is disingenuous about how it's coming across.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. Well, it's something that's not useful. Something that you can't do anything about it. Because it becomes, it's either so general that there's no tangibility to it. So, it's not you can actually figure out how to do something different next time because it's not tangible. The only thing that you can think about doing next time is removing yourself. I'm like, “Well, clearly, you know, this is about feeling, I don't know, 100% and it's so vague and intangible that the best solution is for me to not be there.”

Alex Cullimore: Yes. Those are the things that I think tiny wedges like that happen all the time in the corporate world. So, there's a lot of continually growing chasms when we don't bridge that, when we can't reach back across and when we're like, “Well, I don't know that they knew the full contacts, but I don't have any ability to provide that and I don't want to come across as like making an excuse or something. Then we drift. We drift farther.”

That kind of brings us to the receiving end of feedback. What do we do when we get those feedback? When we get feedback and decide whether we want to take that on board or not what we're going to do with it. That's where we have the acronym that we teach in our classes of GET, G for gather context. Gather, understanding like really hear out the full feedback, understand the context of it. Gather whether if it's something that was happening with other people or that's a long-term pattern, maybe it's about talking to other people and figuring out what other people notice than just the person who's giving the feedback, ask clarifying questions, decide whether this is something that, or understand the full context of what is being said and whether it's, for lack of a better term, true. It's hard to decide truth where we all have to decide whether it's true enough that it's something we want to take into account and do something with.

That brings us to E, which is evaluating our options, deciding what actions, if any, we're going to take when it comes to feedback. And that is when we're really doing that discerning of, is this somebody that I should trust their opinion of? Would I ask them for advice? Would I ask them for advice? Is this a right kind of feedback? Are they taking it out on me as a person? Do I feel like they have my best interest in heart? Do I feel like that's a fair criticism? Now, that I've gathered some context, if I have some other opinions, if I'm vulnerable enough to ask people whether this is true and whether this feels like it's something that is coming across, maybe differently than we even expect to or intend to.

Once we've done that, we really evaluate whether that's something to take on board. That brings us to T, which is taking action. And those actions might be just going back to the person and being like, “Yes. I hear what you're saying. Here's the context of kind of why that happened and here's why there's just not really something for me to address here going forward. Or here's why I don't think that's something I can take on right now. Or I don't think it's important for me to take that feedback.” I think it's more important to do whatever, whatever your original intention was. Or whether it's, “Oh, I hear what you're saying. I want to work on that. Here's what I'm doing to go do that.” Having that follow up with the person.

If it didn't come across as like somebody just coming out to slight you, just to slight you, then it is a follow-up conversation. It is going back to say, “Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I've heard from you. Here's what I understand of it. And here's what I'm doing about that.”

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. Those are very valid points. It does include all those elements of getting past the initial threat of the feedback. Nobody wants to be told that they're not good enough. That's really what feedback sometimes can feel like or all the time at the beginning it feels like you're not good enough. Well, we all know we're not perfect. We all want to be perfect. So, that's the other side of the coin of hearing that we're not perfect, which it goes much deeper into the need for humans to belong and receiving feedback that says that you're not perfect or potentially say that you're not perfect. It means like, “Oh, now the tribe is going to reject me. If the tribe rejects me based on our basic human needs, I'm now in danger because I'm now alone and abandoned.”

So, if we unpack everything that could happen with the feedback, that's why it's hard to receive feedback. The more you do it, the more it's a muscle. Especially, when it is given and it's constructive and it's feed forward, then it's easier to them build a get muscle on getting the feedback. The discernment is huge on is this constructive? Does this help me? Is this person somebody I would ask advice to? And does this take into account everything that needs to be taken into account? Or is it a very narrow view?

The other piece, I think, that's also very important, it's back to feedback versus criticism, which is, is this just about defending myself? Or is it about helping improvement? If we're not helping growth and improvement, then why are we talking? Why should we receive that? So, on the get side, if this is not about improvement and growth, then is it worth spiraling over?

Alex Cullimore: It's okay then to process the feelings of spiraling and whatever anger or whatever that will come up with that and just acknowledge that, yes, this was unfortunate and that naturally hurt, and it's okay to move on without taking that on board. This is where it gets challenging. So many people have just different reactions to feedback. Those are all fed to us by both are just general personality and our experiences of feedback.

I grew up in a household where there was a lot of – one of the rules was no talking back. If you can't clarify anything and you can't say, “Oh, this wasn't right.” Or, “Hey, I don't think that's fair,” then you just kind of get used to whatever feedback comes your way, you just have to take it. There's no recourse. If you do talk back, then you're making excuses. Then you now have a new character flaw of now you're making excuse. You're not taking responsibility, whatever it is.

That's my experience and that becomes very difficult to receive feedback when it feels like something where you're like, “Okay, I just have to take it. It doesn't matter what is said. I'll just absorb that and I'll just try and do the best I can with that information.” Then spirals into ignoring all those discerning features of like, is this something that I should take on? Should I be listening to this person? That really wears those muscles, or it doesn't develop those muscles. Everybody has different reactions and different defenses and different things that they feel like, is it some perfectionism? Is it some specific angle of perfectionism where maybe work is a really important thing to you or you feel like it's really important?

So, being perfect or perceived as perfect, or at least not good enough is important and really triggering and feels really hard to take in feedback, even if you can take feedback in other ways in other areas of life. Maybe work is really triggering. Whatever comes up for you, there's going to be your own individual flavor of reaction and your own individual flavor of acceptance of giving or avoidance of giving feedback. Those are okay. But we have to be aware of those and we have to still aim for the things we want to do better.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. You touched on something that's huge, which is the awareness. Self-awareness when we're both giving and receiving feedback, it's huge. Which goes back to, when we're giving feedback, the self-awareness of is the feedback that I'm giving really about what happened, about the thing, about improvement, about growth, about whatever? Or is it about a button that got pushed in me? Was there a button that got pushed in whatever happened?

So, my way to diffuse my own spiraling is to then criticize somebody else. Is provide feedback that's neither constructive. It's not helpful. It's not directly to the person. But then it's in the hope of me feeling a little bit better about whatever I was triggered. So, having that self-awareness is huge.

On the receiving end, it's the same piece. It's like when you were receiving the feedback, it's having the self-awareness to determine, like, is this, what buttons are being pushed in this feedback? Are these buttons because of this situation or is it history? Also, are the buttons valid? Because we see the world the way we are, not the way the world is. So, everything is subjective. What's being received and what's being heard and what's being given. It's completely subjective. What we need to try and discern in there is what can help the future because we still don't have that time machine to go back in the past.

Alex Cullimore: As I like to joke about that internally with myself, when I was like, “Well, I could dedicate the rest of my life to time travel and see if I can go back and unwind this one mistake. Or I can try and just do better from here.” It is hard to get to that level of acceptance. But that is another part of things like timeliness. It is important to give timely feedback. But also, that might involve you taking the moments to process whether like you said, this is something that just pushed a button for me. Is this something that I actually need to deliver his feedback? Or am I feeling a little pushed and I need to push back? My first instinct is to push back.

If that's the case, then maybe it's worth the like not just the time to wait until you're out of a public situation, but the time to decide whether this is, is this just something that I'm reacting to that I don't actually need to react to in this way? Or at least it's not feedback that I need to give them? Or is this something that really does need to be addressed? Both can be true. They might be true that a button was pushed and it needs to be addressed. Also, because you're in a state then where a button was pushed, you might need a moment before you can deliver helpful feedback.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. Yes. Well, and also, I think establishing what the feedback is about. Are we speaking the same language? Because most of the time, that could also be on different rails. It's like I'm expecting feedback about the objectives and whether we reach them and you're providing feedback about who I am as a person. We're not on the same page. First of all, don't provide feedback on to people, who are these as people, unless you really want to burn that bridge. But also, are we talking about the same thing. Because then that's also when things could really go wrong, both from the giving and receiving. If we're not actually establishing that we're talking about the same thing. 

Alex Cullimore: Yes, those will derail things so quickly.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. Especially in the corporate place, I was on the receiving end of criticism – I wouldn't call it feedback – on criticism that I was glad that because it was an HR, it became and HR matter. There was investigation to the truth of it. Because if the HR department or the executives had actually just gone with the opinion of the person that gave the criticism, I would probably would have lost my job. So, it did take the curiosity, which is a big piece to go in of understanding like, “Okay, this person is saying this. Great. Now, with a blank page, let's go with curiosity to investigate, to ask other people. Do you see the same thing? What do you see? What is your experience?” Then gather all the data and understand like, okay, this seems more like it's valid because it seems to be very common and people are using the same words and same examples. Or this is more about one person dealing with something and taking it on to somebody else.

Alex Cullimore: Yes. That reminds me just the importance of the like innocent and self-proven guilty versus guilty and self-proven innocent idea. It's the assuming positive intent. It helps to codify some of those things. It can be really scary and stressful, especially in something like an HR complaint or something. If there's an investigation, it's helpful when you know it's going to turn up good evidence. You know it's going to turn up like, yes, they do need to do this digging. And it's still stressful to do those things. But it is important to kind of have that mentality of, let's assume the best from this person, they probably – even if they stepped on a button, they probably weren't aiming for it.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. Or maybe the button has nothing to do with them at all. They were just a scapegoat.

Alex Cullimore: And if it does, do you need to – what are your next steps? Is it better that you step out? Is it better that you don't have this relationship? Is it better you address it and then see how things go? That's all totally fair. All of those options are fair and then worth the investigation and worth it to yourself to take the time to decide and to feel comfortable with and to feel out and to feel what's safe.

Cristina Amigoni: Exactly. Anything else for feedback?

Alex Cullimore: I think that's our feedback.

Cristina Amigoni: I know. We do have some post-feedback advice. So, after the feedback, let's assume that it was a good prep to the feedback. It was actually feed forward. There is validity to the feedback. It was about the thing, not the person. Done all those things. It was given with the right timing, all the context and with suggestions. It was received past the emotional initial reaction, but there is curiosity on both the ends. The post feedback is to really talk about what's going to happen for now, from now on, because that's really what it is about. If we're giving feedback again, hopefully it's about improvement. So, offering support if we're the ones giving feedback. Offering clarification time, or time to go back and like, “Hey, as things come up, feel free to come back and ask me for clarifications.” Providing examples.

But also, on the receiving end is committing to like, yes, I've heard this. Is this what you mean? This is what I would like to do to improve next time. Then establishing that accountability. How will that come through?

Alex Cullimore: Agreed. Yes, those are all great tips for what happens post-feedback and what you can do to really prove that you are in the growth-oriented mindset, providing examples, helping follow up, making sure that there is a space for people to follow up with you. That is commitment to the actual growth.

Cristina Amigoni: Yes. So, good luck on your feedback.

Alex Cullimore: Good luck. It's always challenging.

Cristina Amigoni: It is always challenging. If you ever need to talk, we're here. Thanks for listening.

[OUTRO]

Cristina Amigoni: Thank you for listening to Uncover the Human, a Siamo podcast. 

Alex Cullimore: Special thanks to our podcast operations wizard, Jake Lara; and our score creator, Rachel Sherwood. 

Cristina Amigoni: If you have enjoyed this episode, please share, review and subscribe. You can find our episodes wherever you listen to podcasts. 

Alex Cullimore: We would love to hear from you with feedback, topic ideas or questions. You can reach us at podcast@wearesiamo.com, or at our website, wearesiamo.com, LinkedIn, Instagram, or Facebook. We Are Siamo is spelled W-E A-R-E S-I-A-M-O.

Cristina Amigoni: Until next time, listen to yourself, listen to others and always Uncover the Human.

[END]